Category Archives: Agony on the Side

A grave statement

Some of us don’t like to go quietly.

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Ads gone mad

Wow!  KFC’s Colonel Sanders is now fixing potholes

KFC RE-FRESH

Fush-n-Chups: Tongue-n-Cheek

Tis only a blog, people.  Relax.  If I had a dollar for every time I made a stupid, stinky joke about beautiful, unique, sulphurous Rotorua, I’d have like $49 or thereabouts.

An Australian couple has upset Kiwis with an online expat guide which warns that Auckland is a “horrible soulless city” and its inhabitants are “hobbits” who cannot dress properly.

The anonymous duo have used their website, fushnchups.co.nz, to attack their new home across the Tasman, rubbishing everything from the country’s beer to its major cities and lack of worldliness.

The couple also trashed Rotorua, a popular tourist destination famed for it sulfuric activity, saying it “absolutely stinks”.

“It smells like the whole town let rip at once,” they say on the site, set up as a guide for Australians contemplating making a move over the ditch.

“Can blokes (in Rotorua) get away with letting out a silent-but-deadly in bed next to the missus?” they ask.

Admit it.  That silent-but-deadly joke about Rotos has made you snigger since 1984.  Hardly an “attack” on our nation.  Who are these upset Kiwis that the media raves about, and where is their sense of humour slash ability to ignore trivial stuff they don’t like?

To the bloggers at Fush-n-Chups: kia ora and welcome to New Zealand, but how very dare you mention what we all know anyway.  You radicals.  Who do you think you are … foreigners with an opinion about your travels, prepared to share and blog in a semi-humorous manner?  Well, far be it from us Kiwis to greet you with anything other than contempt and label you “pathetically rude”.   Apparently, according to our media, and the 14 or so freaks who bothered to leave you minor hate mail in your comments section, we don’t agree with you.  Oh no, it seems we don’t like the cut of your jib.

I wanna know who you’ve shagged over in the tight-knit fuckcluster that is NZ mainstream media, cos you managed to upset them in only 11 posts.  Jeesh, you’d have thought it was a slow news day or somet.  Well, ka pai, I say.  Hope the traffic passed your way gets you mucho sponsorship and revenue. 

In no way have you upset or angered me, quite the contrary.  Your blog made me smile and semi-chortle whilst waving at hobbits.  I get you, so a very haere mai to you, we should share fush-n-chups one day (read: you buy).

These reactions make out like we live in a big bubble; refusing to acknowledge, or heaven forbid, laugh at our unique smallness.  Well, we don’t. Tis a bubble free zone. We all know Rotorua smells farty to the uninitiated, and that most folk driving on our motorways drive like asses.  And those of us who make it to other parts of the world understand only too well how our beer does taste slightly less beery than others.  Who cares?!  Take a joke N to the Z, welcome the Australians who seek to live here, either that or ignore their blog posts. 

As for Auckland tourism CEO, Graeme Osbourne, is he threatening our new Aussie immigrants?

“Maybe they’re just envious that Auckland recently rated ahead of every Australian city as a tourist destination,” Osborne said.

“They should get in touch with me personally and I guarantee I’ll change their impression.”

I wonder what revelationary Auckland tourist destination he guarantees will impress.  Anyone else think it’s about time Auckland had a thriving tourism industry beyond the Sky Tower, some penguins and a fabulous museum?  There isn’t even a hot hangi restaurant or Maori cultural event in this city to recommend to visitors.  Don’t get me started on the appallingly poor signage and lack of day pass public transportation options.

I may not agree with Fush-n-Chups on all points (aloha, we are the short trousered wearing cousins?!?!) but I don’t think the blog warrants a media onslaught with Kiwi ‘outrage’ based on the rants of a few.  Tis only a blog, people.  Tongue in cheek. Tis only a blog.

Don’t bother warning the neighbours about the party noise

This is really funny and really mean. 

Stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to throw parties, but they are welcome to own cane furniture.

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A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture as I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I bumped into him on the stairs once and he said hello but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something.

Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbour had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud.

The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn’t invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons and that I couldn’t come.

If I was writing a note to my neighbours saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on, I would make it clean and simple, possibly even sombre, so they didn’t think ‘you prick’.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,
Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,
Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David
As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
Cheers Matthew

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Do not swallow during CPR

kittyswallow

Twitter Hack

There’s plenty of hacks on Twitter, but the latest hacking incident will have left a few major celebs and world figures a teensy bit upset. 

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Britney has found herself in the mixed company of President Obama, CNN and Fox News, as victims of recent Twitter account hackings.  Fox News tweeted (hacked) that Bill O’Reilly is gay.  Man, I so hate Bill O’Reilly.  Hate-hate.  Even typing his name is annoying.  Too many shift key manoeuvres and L’s.  There’s L’s all over that guy’s name.  Ugh.

I really do not get it, why are people so hung up on the word gay being an insult?   What is that about? 

I’ve heard many different folk bandy the phrase around; a semi-insult, a throwaway derogatory comment, not even realising their offense, and most (if given the opportunity to explain) say they never meant to cause any harm.  It seems to be a new accepted standard turn of phrase.  And it totally gets my goat.   Wikipedia reckons it became pejorative around the same time that ‘gay’ became a common informal term for ‘homosexual‘.  I’m not so sure.

As for the Twitter hacker, there is no irony in calling someone who openly talks hate against homosexuals (actually, Bill O’BlimminReilly openly hates on anyone who has an opinion differing to his own), gay.  It’s a sexual preference, not a flaming insult.  Get a grip, people.  Talk sense.  Insult in a sensical fashion. 

And stop saying “that’s so gay”.  Tis unnecessary, unless you are watching a gay porno, obv.  Or observing olde worlde use of the word about carefree and happy things.

Constipation

I’m baaaaack!!!  Did you miss me?  Oh, you poor sad loves.

I would’ve been back sooner, but I had a silly wee bathroom drama that took longer than expected to sort out.

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The best excuse for a dirty toilet evah!